Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
