and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
