Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
