WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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