You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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