2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Houston, we have a blender
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Randomize
