i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
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I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
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I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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