Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
