i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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