I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
