just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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