if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize