she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
