whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
