i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
