your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
