Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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