im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
