Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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