something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
