Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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