I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
