Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
