I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
