I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
