I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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