so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize