Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
