Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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