but the lizard people decide everything anyway
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
