mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
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