I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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