so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
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You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
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The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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