she looked like the before picture.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
