I can't breathe out the right side of my face
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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