my shit smells like andre
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
