I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
