have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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