Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
