He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize