This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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