A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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