worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
