There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We don't watch enough power rangers
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
