her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I wish you could order shots online.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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