I just made out with a guy for $7.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
