nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
