So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
false alarm, still single
Randomize
