By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
