u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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