Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
