Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Pooping to opera.
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