I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
