My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
