life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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