i was born a porn star she said
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Randomize
